Jack in Wonderland
by Abhorsen Queen
Summary: Jack and Snake reunite in a strangely sexually tense situation with Vamp. They somehow end up in wonderland? Need I say more?Kojima owns all Metal Gear stuff, not this poor kid. Hail Kojima! Ahem, enjoy!New chapters up!
1. Close Encounters of the Vampiric Kind

As much as I love Metal Gear, I don't own it! This is my first time writing for Fan Fiction, please review! Whether it be praise or brimstone I will accept it with open arms. Enjoy!

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Walking briskly through the streets, Jack pulled his hands out of his jacket and rubbed them together. It was the winter shopping season so people bustled and pushed on the sidewalks en masse. He walked for two more blocks and turned into a dirty alley. Pressing himself against the wall, he pulled out a silenced nine millimeter and peeked around the corner. How typical, he thought, who tails a guy straight on? Anyone could spot this guy a mile and know he was tailing someone! As he turned the safety off, he distractedly dug into his jacket with his free hand. A pack of cigarettes were revealed in the yellow light of the streetlamps.

" What the hell-?" He didn't even get to finish his question when a hand covered his mouth and his weapon was disarmed and dismantled. Fear rushed into body, thoughts flashed into his head like strobe lights. Who was his assailant? How could he have let his guard down? When had he bought those damn cigarettes?!

" You are so predictable. Textbook executions as usual, only this time you've gotten lazy. I thought you were better than this Jack," the man laughed quietly. " I bought you a present, did you find them?"

Jack struggled to shake his head yes, and at the same time twisted his arm free and tried to throw the man. The only thing that Jack managed to do was twist his arm free, his failed throw only ended up painfully reminding him of how wet the cement was. The man laughed harder this time.

" Are you out of shape? You stopped going on missions yeah, but that didn't mean you could get fat!" the man chuckled even more.

Jack rubbed his head and looked up, it was **him. **He was so angry and relieved at the same time he didn't know what to do except make a strange whimpering noise.

"What the hell kind of hello is that? Get up princess!" the man extended his hand and helped Jack up.

" You bastard! I thought-never mind what I though… Where have you been? And what's your problem?! You scared the crap out of me," babbled Jack. "What's with the creepy mask?"

Snake pulled off the rubber Saddam Hussein mask, picked up the dropped cigarettes, and lit one. " I saw you in the crowd and thought I'd see how sharp your skills were. Pretty blunt if you ask me." Snake looked directly at Jack and caught him blushing hot red. "That's a pretty bad sunburn, Jack," he sniggered.

"Shut up! That's not even fair, I thought you were trying to kill me! I-I-I got nervous is all…", he stammered. Jack reached up and felt his face. Damn my stupid face and stupid emotions! " You still haven't answered me, what are you doing he here?" As the last word rolled off his lips, a shot sparked off the brick wall and his leg.

"Aaaaah! I'm hit! I'm hit!", screamed Jack. Snake had already rolled away and was crouching at the other end of the alley, gun and knife drawn. The man on the roof of the building opposite him was about to dart away when Snake shot him twice, once in the head and once in the chest. The man's heavy body rolled off the roof and landed in front of Jack. Snake stood up and approached the body wearily, paying absolutely no attention to his distressed friend. The shooter had long black hair, facial hair, full eyelashes. Quite exotic looking. Snake leaned in a little closer to the fallen man's face when he pulled back abruptly.

"He's got fangs? What kind of Halloween fairies do you associate with that they end up stalking you?", he said.

Jack's face was paler than the moon. He tried to stand up and hobble away. "Snake you better run, he's not human. I'm serious! Hurry or he'll get up soon!", Jack was already on the sidewalk bleeding everywhere and panting. Snake sighed and was about to retort some smart ass remark when a hand gripped around his ankle. He looked down in surprise. The man's face was contorted in a grimace, like he'd just woken up with a hang over. Snake finally reacted and shot him twice in the chest. The man's eyelashes fluttered and he grinned hungrily.

" Feisty one aren't you?", said Vamp is his strange accent. He stood up in a flash and pinioned his arm behind him. "Mmmm, you smell delicious," he smelled Snake deeply. Snakes eyes flashed and his face was twisted in disgust. Jack stared at them horrified, then turned and fled as fast as he could. "You see that?," he licked Snake's neck, then continued, "You saved the little fairy's life and this is how he repays you. I would never treat you like that…" Vamp opened his mouth and was about to bite Snake, when he stomped on his foot and elbowed him in the stomach.

" What _are_ you?!", he shot him again for good measure and ran after Jack. Stupid fat ass, you think I can't find you with this bloody trail!, thought Snake. Vamp rubbed his jaw and grinned, " I still have your knife Snake…", he said to no one in particular, then he giggled madly.


	2. Into the Rabbit Hole

Wherefor art thou Metal Gear? Again, this poor kid owns nothing of Kojima's genius. Thanks for reading and the reviews! Enjoy!

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Jack was running with the speed of an eighty year old arthritis victim, but in his mind he was running like the wind. "Got to get away, go to get away!", he panted over and over again like it was some kind of protective incantation. He wasn't even two blocks from where he'd been shot when Snake caught up with him.

" You stupid ungrateful little retch! You left me to my fate with that homo vampire!", Snake yelled behind him.

Jack only "ran" faster. Snake lunged and tackled him to the ground. After struggling like a dying cat, Jack finally surrendered in Snake's chokehold.

"Ok, ok I gib!Leggo uh meee!", he choked. Snake stood up, kicked him in the side for being a spineless worm and dragged him by his shot leg into another alley. By this time Jack was crying and whimpering in pain.

"I saved your ass! How could you sell me out like that?!", snarled Snake. He had to wait a few seconds for Jack to wipe the snot off his face.

"It's not like I didn't want to help you…it's just that during our last fight, Vamp…", Jack started to cry harder.

"Vamp what!! What could be so freakin' bad that-"started Snake but was interrupted by a very high pitched squeal.

"He touched me ok!", let out Jack. There was complete silence for an entire minute. Snake stared at Jack's puffy teary face with mock sympathy and then fell down laughing hysterically.

" This is why a homosexual vampire shot you and tried to have his way with me? God I can't stop laughing, hahaha! Hell hath no fury like a woman-!",a shoe hit him full on in the face. Jack was leaning on a dumpster with his socked foot resting on a crate giving him the one finger salute.

"Screw you Snake! I still remember that day we both got drunk at Big Shell…!",began Jack.

"Hey! We promised we'd never speak of that remember! I didn't know what I was doing, and you were so lonely…and that's beside the point! Right now we have to find a place to hide so that big gay vampire won't find us."

Snake looked around anxiously, he knew Vamp would follow that crimson trial just like he had. He ripped off his shirt, to Jack's wide eyed surprise, and bandaged his still bleeding leg.

"You're still so tender Snake…", whispered Jack dreamy eyed. Snake stiffened like a corpse and stopped what he was doing.

"Will you just shut the hell up so we can get your lard ass to safety!?", he snapped. Jack pouted and looked sullenly at the dumpster. An idea formed in his head.

"Why don't we hide in the dumpster! He'll never look in there.", offered the injured man.

"You'd like that wouldn't you! Will you just pay attention? Look over there, at the end of the alley. It opens up to a park, we can hide there!", exclaimed Snake.

Meanwhile….

" Tonight is such a nice night! Mmm, I can't wait to sink my teeth into Snake.", Vamp stopped playing with the stolen knife to sniff the night air. "They didn't go very far, strange. Maybe they're trying to ambush me?" He walked on at a leisurely pace, humming a little tune.

"Pick up the pace! Just because you're shot doesn't mean you can be this slow. Argh, stop, ok just stop!" Snake yanked Jack by the wrist and pulled him toward him. Jack let out a little gasp.  
"W-what are you doing!? We're in the middle of a public park, this is no time for that!", blurted Jack.

"No you moron! Hop on my back, I'll have to carry you or we'll both get caught. Hurry!", Snake crouched slightly and braced himself. Jack, hesitated a moment and took in the view.

"You better not be staring at my ass you pervert!", shouted Snake. Jack gasped a little and wondered how Snake knew what he was doing. That of course made Snake laugh at his idiocy which in turn made him blush again. He hobbled toward him a bit, swung his arms like an Olympic long-jumper and sprung for Snake's back. Surprisingly, Jack didn't miss and Snake didn't fall. After some readjustments and grunting, Snake took off toward a stand of trees. They had only walked a few paces when Vamp sprinted behind them. They heard a swish and saw that he had thrown Snake's knife into the tree in from of them. Snake huffed and began an awkward yet shockingly quick run into the center of the trees. Vamp let out an eerie howl and sprinted even faster.

Sweat was running down Snake's face and back, adrenaline and calculations ran through his body. As he was about to drop Jack and spin around to face Vamp, he fell head first into a hole.


	3. Interlude

-1The wind was in Vamp's hair as he sprinted, and he could see Snake walking with what looked like a bleeding walrus on his back. He couldn't have asked for a better night. He flipped Snake's knife once, the blade catching the streetlamp's light, and threw it toward him. It swished past them. Vamp wasn't upset, that was only a warning and his way of saying the chase was on. He could see Snake adjusting himself for a run so he sprinted faster, howling in pure delight. Two more meters, my love! I'm almost there, he thought. Vamp had perfect night vision, so when he didn't see Snake or the walrus anymore, he stopped.

"What in the-? Oh no, foolish boys. They've fallen down the rabbit hole. Well it seems I have no choice. In we go!", Vamp did a front flip into the tunnel and disappeared along with them.

Vamp tumbled head over heels for about a minute. He didn't mind much, he liked the sensation of his stomach flipping. He eventually tired of his little game and straightened himself out. Unlike Jack and Snake, Vamp fell down the tunnel rather quickly. He landed in a courtyard outside lit with small lamps and a table set out.

"Tea time already? I hate this part.", muttered Vamp.

Sitting at the head of the table was Revolver Ocelot dressed as the Mad Hatter. Next to him sat a very droopy looking Roy Campbell in a March Hare getup.

"Hello boys. Long time no see! May I join you for half a cup?", said Vamp sweetly.

The March Campbell took out half a cup, literally and poured him some tea. Nothing spilled out of the half.

"Twinkle Twinkle little bat, how I wonder where you're at. Up above the world so high, like a tea tray in the sky…"

"When are you going to get rid of that damn rat!?", snapped Vamp. His calm, sweet demeanor temporarily shattered. He glared at the mouse and it hid under a tea cup.

"Ith it your unbirttthday today, Vamp?", said the Mad Ocelot in a strange lisp. Vamp looked at him strangely. This wasn't the way it was supposed to go…Jack and Snake probably hadn't finished reading the book or watching the movie! Now he was going to have to find a new way out. Vamp was so angry he grabbed the mouse from under the cup and ate him whole.

"That wathn't wery nice Vamp!", yelled Mad Ocelot. He pulled out his two revolvers and began to spin them.

"Great, now this is going to get messy.", muttered Vamp.


	4. Wonderland

Both Snake and Jack were tumbling in mid-air, limbs entwining, heads knocking against each other, bruises forming. Suddenly their descent slowed and they began to float a little.

"Now look! 'Let's run to the park, we can hide there!' Who's the moron now?!", shouted Jack. "How did we even end up in this fox hole? I didn't see anything!", he continued.

"It's not a fox hole you jackass. I think we're falling down a rabbit hole…? It was so dark, I guess the entrance just blended in with the night.", said Snake.

"You mean like Alice did? I just thought that story was opium induced, I didn't think Lewis Carroll had seriously found Wonderland!", gushed Jack.

"What makes you think we're on our way down to Wonder-!", at that moment a glint caught Snake's eye. "Is that a grandfather clock? Are those china dishes? You can't be serious…", moaned Snake.

Snake glanced over at Jack who was giggling while he tried to catch bubbles. He let out a melancholy sigh. I'm going to Wonderland with, of all people, Jack. He caught Jack trying to look at himself in an unusually long mirror. Snake took out his pistol and shot at his reflection. Jack let out a shriek and hit his head against a porcelain doll. Snake chuckled.

"Why are you such a jerk! I hate you!", screeched Jack. Snake had already busied himself rummaging through his pockets. Jack seized that moment to kick Snake in the side of the head.

" Ow! You stupid fairy, I should have let Vamp finish you!", hollered Snake. After five minutes of in air combat, Snake grabbed Jack's hurt leg and made him give.

"Stupid dirty fighter…!", sobbed Jack. Snake had lit another cigarette. Both men were spaced out in their own thoughts when they crash landed.

"Motherfu-!"

"My leg!"

They laid on the checkered floor dazed for a few moments. Snake looked up. The tunnel was impossibly deep. He turned his head and almost choked on his own spit.

"Hahah! I knew it! Cross-dresser! Trannie! Look at you, you're wearing a dress! When did you have time to-?", started Snake.

"Don't be so quick to judge Snake, look at yourself !I didn't know you were so feminine.", purred Jack.

The two of them were in identical blue dresses complete with petticoat and apron. Jack had on a blue matching headband with white stockings and black dress shoes. Snake still had on pants and boots with his pistol belt and canteen around the waist of the dress. He looked like he was about to bust out of his dress.

"Looks like they didn't have your size. Don't make the Hulk angry!", giggled Jack.

He laughed so hard he rolled over on his hurt leg and let out a whimper.

"Hah. That's what you get! Look can we just stop bickering for once? I really don't feel like walking around in this hell hole with a dress on. Let's find a way out shall we?", Snake extended his hand to the younger man. Jack reluctantly took it.

" Ok. Hey, did you ever read what we're supposed to do when we see the white rabbit?', asked Jack.

" Does it look like I read hippie books? How the hell should I know!", snapped Snake.

Hmmm, if I act like I can't support myself with this leg injury of mine, I can get close to Snake!, thought Jack. He feigned a stumble and reached for Snake. Their eyes locked for a moment and then nothing happened. Snake let Jack fall.

" Ow! What gives?", said Jack from the floor.

" Was I supposed to catch you? Look, just stop playing your fairy games, they aren't working. You can't seduce a man wearing a dress ok?", said Snake wearily.

Jack got up and started limping down a distorted hallway with weird knickknacks on shelves. He heard a familiar voice echo a little ways ahead of them.

"Otacon!? Holy crap man, is that you?", Snake sprinted ahead of Jack. As he ran down the hall the ceiling started to get lower. Snake stopped abruptly and skidded a little. Otacon was in a white rabbit suit with a waistcoat and gold pocket watch. He glanced nervously at Snake and his watch, then ran through a small door.

"Otacon? Did I really just see that?", whispered Snake. Jack caught up with Snake and tugged on his apron.

"Follow that rabbit! C'mon!", urged Jack.

Snake stood stunned for a few seconds before he let Jack pull him through the door. Inside, both men looked like giants in the small-ish room. There was a three legged glass table, a fireplace, a grandfather clock, and what looked like a tiny Otacon escaping through an equally tiny door! What the hell was going on?

"Ok, you're not gonna like this part. But hear me out!", Jack instinctively covered his head anticipating a phantom blow. When nothing happened, Jack continued, "Alright. You see those two bottles? We have to drink out of the right one, or eat one of those cookies. I don't remember which.", he explained.

"Why do we have to eat or drink any of those things?", Snake replied a little suspiciously. "I don't think I would trust any kind of food you gave me. Especially now. For all I know you might slip in some kind of drug and take advantage of me, date rape style."

"That is so obscene! Do you or don't you want to get out of here?", said Jack. Then for some reason he began to visualize Snake's date rape scenario, and he smiled sheepishly. After a slap to the face, Jack snapped back into reality.

"Huh? What? Oh yeah. Escape. Well, do you see any alternative? Didn't you see the rabbit go through the that tiny door? I say we experiment!", proclaimed Jack.

Snake gave him a dirty look. After a few seconds Snake shrugged and took out his pistol, then pointed it at Jack. Instantly Jack ducked and tried to kick the gun out of Snake's hand. He fell over and landed on his leg again.

"Oh man that one hurt! What are you pointing that thing at me for?!", said Jack indignantly.

"Let's experiment. Get up. Eat that cookie, fat kid. And stop trying to use your old escape techniques, your bleeding all over your stockings.", commanded Snake.

Jack glared at Snake for a good two seconds before getting up. He reached over and grabbed a cookie off the china plate. Snake turned on his laser sight and aimed for his crotch.

"Go on. There's no point stopping now. Unless you want to be a eunuch. Don't worry I'm going to drink that stuff in the bottle.", he said calmly.

Jack gave him a look of pure hatred. Well not _pure_ hatred, he still had some lingering feelings for that sadist. He lifted the small pastry and daintily bit off a good sized piece. Meanwhile, Snake was chugging the contents of the little bottle.

"This stuff is pretty good! You want to try some?", offered Snake.

But as he spoke those words Jack began to grow at an accelerated rate. He himself began to shrink! Snake fell into the little glass bottle and Jack grew so huge that he became cramped in the room.

"Oh no! What's happening Snake? You're tiny! Aah, I can't move! The ceiling's shrinking!", rambled Jack. He was so upset that he began to sob. His tear drops were about twenty times their normal size! The room soon started to flood. Snake desperately called to Jack.

"Stop crying you pansy! Drink the other bottle. The water level isn't too high, we can make it out alive!"

Of course Jack couldn't hear him, but he still grabbed the other bottle and drank it out of sheer despair. He also shrunk and fell into his bottle. They bobbed along the floor of the room for a few minutes wildly flailing their arms trying to communicate. At last, Snake tipped his bottle and swam out, waiting for Jack to do the same. Jack only stared at him blankly and pointed to his leg. Snake cursed under his breath and swam toward a piece cookie that was floating along the surface. He looked like a shipwreck survivor on a raft. Jack sat down in his bottle and readjusted his bandage and stockings. Snake was about to swim over and try to rock the bottle until it tipped when an idea struck him. What if I eat this piece of cookie? He gnawed at a little piece of his raft and began to grow.

" Ok, now I have to balance out the drink and cookie to get through that doorway.", he said to himself. Jack stood up and pointed to himself eagerly. Snake grinned at him and lifted the bottle. Setting Jack on the table, he proceeded to spin it around until he threw up on himself.

"That's what you get for being so useless. Now I'm going to tip you out ok? I know I look like a dwarf but at least my dress doesn't have barf all over it.", chortled Snake.

Once Jack was out of his bottle, Snake dosed out the cookies and drink that magically appeared on the plate and in the bottle again. When both guys were roughly the size of the doorway Otacon had gone into, they proceeded through.

"What's up with this Wonderland? I don't remember it happening this way…",wondered Jack.

"Who knows? Does it really matter? Let's just find the exit ok?", said Snake impatiently.

They walked through a weird lotus garden for a few minutes when Snake stopped in his tracks.

"Why did you ever read Alice in Wonderland in the first place?", asked Snake.

"I had to read it for my English class my senior year in high school…", replied Jack. "I never really finished it though, I was confused half of the time. I read the cliff notes and played Kingdom Hearts to try and get the gist of the story."

" You are one sad individual. Maybe this is why the sequence of events you expected are all mish mashed. Freakin' moron!", with that Snake smacked him upside the head. Snake would have probably beat the poor kid, when the gas masked face of Psycho Mantis appeared behind him. Jack yelped when he saw his face and pointed:

"Look out behind you!"

"Like I'm going to believe that! Come back here you gimp!", cried Snake.

As he was about to chase Jack, he heard heavy breathing. He drew his gun and turned around. Snake shot Mantis right between the eyes. Mantis only laughed.

"Jumpy aren't you?", as Mantis said this, the rest of his black and grey body appeared. In the shape of a cat. A Cheshire cat.

"What the-! I killed you Mantis, there is no way you can come back as some demented cat!", spouted off Snake.

"Shut up Snake! He's here to guide us. Which way do we go Mantis Cat?", said Jack feverishly.

"This way!", Mantis crossed his arms and pointed in opposite directions. Snake lunged at Mantis and hit a mushroom.

"Don't you remember that I can read your mind? Look if you don't want my advice I'll go away.", even as he said this all of Mantis had disappeared except his mask.

"No! Come back! Look what you did Snake! Dumbass. Gosh, now I have to find that stupid caterpillar with the hookah who only knows vowels.", for once Jack seemed more competent. Snake rubbed his head and looked at the mushroom.

" What can a doped up caterpillar tell us!", retorted Snake. It didn't matter because Jack was already limping to giant stalks of grass circling a golden mushroom, and Snake was following distractedly.

"He should be around here somewhere…", as he turned his head he heard the tale-tell song.

"A-E-I-O-U…."

"There he is! Hurry up Snake!", Jack hiked up his dress and tried to run toward the caterpillar. It didn't work out so well, he fell and revealed his electric blue Brazilian thong. Snake shuddered.

"Oopsy-poopsy! Didn't mean for that to um, yeah…", Jack blushed for the millionth time.

The caterpillar was none other than a corpulent The Sorrow. As they got closer, it started to rain blood.

"Grody. I've heard about this boss. Will you just ask him how to get out?", said Snake.

"Hey Mr. Caterpillar, do you know how to get out of this forest?", inquired Jack.

"RECITE THE SONG TO SNAKE EATER!", yelled The Sorrow. Jack jumped two feet and landed heavily on his injured leg.

"I'd give my liiiiiifffe, not for honor but for youuuuuuuuuu! In my tiiiiiimme there'll be noooo oooonnnne else!", sang Jack. Snake was doubled over with his hands covering his ears screaming, 'Make him stop! For the love of God, make him stop!"

The Sorrow took a puff from his hookah and played with his belly button, satisfied.

"There is a portal, where the lightning bells bloom…lick the toadstool and pass through the grass…there you will find the party.", was all The Sorrow said.

"I went through hell for that cryptic piece of crap!? My ears are bleeding!", griped Snake.

"Oh will you just shut up? I got directions didn't I!", huffed Jack. "C'mon, I think I see some kind of lightning over there by those lotus flowers."

Jack and Snake walked in tense silence toward the small pond with the lotus flowers. More then once Snake shuddered for no reason. Jack looked over his shoulder and caught him in the act.

"What is wrong with you? Are you cold or something?", asked Jack clearly concerned.

"Why…why would you wear a thong?! I don't think I'll be able to sleep ever again…", Snake shuddered more violently . Jack gave him a hard look.

"I haven't washed clothes in a week, ok? Don't act like you were all offended. I know you're secretly fantasizing about me!", and for once Jack's stupid comments were right. Snake caught himself undressing Jack and when he realized what he was doing, he pulled out a flash grenade to blind himself.

It was hot white for about three seconds, and in that time, Snake had managed to find the lightning bells. These of course fried Snake and left him unconscious. Jack was on the ground crawling like a new born kitten not too far away. When his eyes finally adjusted again, he rushed over to Snake and his ragged dress.

"You homophobic homosexual! Look what you've done to yourself…", whispered Jack. He couldn't help it, he began to trace his fingertips along the torn parts of Snake's chest. Immediately after he touched Snake, his eyes flashed open.

"Aaaah! My finger!" Snake bit Jack's pointer finger until it bled. He didn't let go until Jack closed his nostrils and Snake's mouth filled with blood. Jack struggled free and a traumatized Snake spit out blood.

"You animal! What's wrong with you?!", shouted Jack. He nursed his poor finger and then dipped it into the cool pond's water.

"I knew you'd try to pull some gay stunt on me!", panted Snake. He sat up and took out medical supplies to treat the burns on his chest. Jack looked on with envy. He didn't have anything to put on his finger.

"What now? Oh. You want a band-aide or something? Here!", Snake threw a rock at Jack and hit him in the face.

"You stupid bitch!", Jack ran and did a flying kick in Snake's general direction. His attack finally hit Snake, and in the chest to boot. Though not without Jack landing on his hurt leg. Both men lay on the ground hurt and angry.

"This…isn't…going to solve anything.", panted Snake. "Will you just lick the freakin' toadstool so we can get out of here?!"

"Oh, you want _me_ to do it! I'm always the guinea pig! Why don't you try it for once!", retorted Jack. He heard Snake laugh and then a click.

"Dammit! I'm out. That was the only leverage I had going for me.", Snake said mournfully. Jack's eye's grew wide.

"Did you just try to shoot me? I can't believe you! You know what? Screw you! I know Wonderland and you don't. I'm leaving, let's see who gets out first!", with that being said Jack got up after a few tries, licked the toadstool, and fell over foaming.

"I'm sure you do know Wonderland, moron."


	5. Tea Party

Snake sat there looking at Jack for a good five minutes. I should probably do something, he thought. I don't know Wonderland at all, and what if this fairy proves to be useful? Ok, I'll do the right thing. Snake stood up and kicked Jack in the crotch before he uncapped his canteen and washed the foam away. He tilted Jack's neck back and slowly poured water down his throat. After a few moments he woke up groggily.

"Huh…?What's going on?", Jack's eyes batted a few times before he could focus, and when he did, he looked right into Snake's eyes. Snake really looks worried about me!, exclaimed Jack in his head. He was about to snuggle closer to him when Snake pushed him unceremoniously off his lap.

"So rough! I just woke up from a hallucinogenic dream that could have killed me and this is how you treat me?", Jack said.

"I was going to kill you before remember, but you preferred seppuku! Now get up and let's get going.", retorted Snake. Jack was about to get up when he fell over and groaned.

"Oh what the hell!? I feel like someone just kicked me in the crotch!", cried out Jack.

" That's weird. Maybe it's a side-effect from the 'shroom. C'mon let's go!", Snake said nonchalantly. Snake was about to part the grass next to the toadstool when Jack cried out, "No not that way!", but it was too late. Snake's body was pulled through the grass into the other side. Jack stared in disbelief. Now what am I going to do? he thought.

Snake fell on his face in front of a giant table covered with an equally giant table cloth.

" My nose! I think it's bleeding..", moaned Snake. His skin crawled as he surveyed the carnage around him. What looked like Revolver Ocelot in a Mad Hatter outfit was splayed on the patio with an arm missing and his neck torn open. Roy Campbell was rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet huddled in a corner of the garden. Snake stood up slowly and tried to walk backward into the grass. He just ricocheted and fell on his face again. The noise of his fall alerted something in the bushes. A triumphant Vamp emerged.

"Well hello there lovely.", he purred. He licked the blood from the side of his mouth. His eyes spelled LUST. Snake was terrified, he wasn't going to let this gay vampire get what he wanted! The first thing that escaped his mouth was also the most embarrassing. "JACK!", he couldn't suppress it, it just happened. At that moment, Vamp sprung at him.

"I wonder what I should do…?", Jack bit his lip. "I'm not going to just abandon him like that!", he made up his mind and half-jumped into the grass. His head connected with the back of Snake's legs and both of them ended up in a tangle of body parts. Vamp's lunge hit the immovable grass and knocked him out.

"Haha! I can't believe he knocked himself out, what a jackass!", laughed Snake. Jack pushed Snake off of him and poked him in the eye.

"What did you do that for!", yelped Snake.

"Don't you remember that you fried yourself unconscious? Don't go pointing fingers, mister.", reprimanded Jack.

"That has to be the gayest thing you've ever said.", Snake stood up and started to walk away when Jack grabbed his leg and knocked him down again.

"I know you kicked me in the crotch you bastard! That foaming episode let me see into the future. I _was_ going to tell you about Vamp when you just recklessly jumped into the grass!", Jack punched Snake in the crotch in retaliation.

"Oh you son of bitch! Aaaaaaaaaaah!", Snake rolled over and held himself for a while. Jack chuckled and hobbled off toward the table.

"Well there goes the tea party…You want some tea Snake?", he said casually.

"Here's your tea!", Snake flicked him off.

When Jack turned around and started off toward the March Campbell, Snake painfully stood up and ran behind Jack. Just as he stood in front of March Campbell, Snake grabbed his petticoat along with his dress and yanked upward. Jack's crotch assailed March Campbell's vision. He screeched and fell over dead. Snake was laughing hysterically.

"You are soo immature! I can't believe you would do that!", Jack was desperately trying to fight with the petticoat and bring it down again.

"He's probably just unconscious with fear. Look there's not harm done.", Snake toed the dead man. "Oh crap. Um, what do we do?"

"You've killed an innocent man!", gasped Jack.

"No, your crotch did! Haha!", Snake couldn't stop laughing. Jack roundhouse kicked Snake in the face and for once didn't fall.

"Argh! What are you, Chuck Norris' apprentice!?", Snake rubbed his jaw and glared at him. "Let's just get out of this bloody place!", he exclaimed. Jack opened a small wooden gate and motioned for Snake to follow. They were walking for a few paces down an unkempt path when Mantis Cat appeared.

"Oh thank goodness! Mantis Cat, where do we go?", asked Jack much relieved. He turned for a moment to call Snake over when he heard:

"Ooowhhheee, are those for meee!"

Mantis Cat's hands grabbed Jack's exposed rear end. He jumped and hobbled away. Snake was in stitches.

"You didn't even have the decency to tell me that the back end of my petticoat was still up! I hate you!", squealed Jack. He fell to the ground in tears. "I just can't take this anymore…! I-I'm just gonna s-stay h-here and w-wait f-f-f-or Vamp t-to f-f-finish me off.", he sobbed.

"Oh don't give me that crap! Get up, don't take everything so seriously.", his tone softened a little. He crouched down closer to him. "Come on! I can't get through this place alone. I need you, Jack."

He looked up surprised. Snake needs _me_? His teary face made Snake remember something. That embarrassing display of his in front of Vamp…How could he have made such a fool of himself? And when had he begun to depend on that helpless nitwit?! With Snake lost in his own thoughts, Jack gripped the side of Snake's face and kissed him.

"Pffft! Get off of me you gay!", Snake gagged. He scrambled away as fast as he could. Reaching into his medical pack, he drew out some antiseptic and swished it in his mouth for about a millisecond.

"It burns! Oh God it burns so bad!", he rolled around the ground for a few seconds. Jack had the most satisfied look on his face. Mantis Cat looked on with amusement.

"Are you two lovebirds done? If you want to know the truth, seek flowerbeds…", with that, Mantis Cat disappeared into the darkness.


	6. It's Raining Men

" 'Seek the flowerbeds' , what kind of directions are those?! shouted Jack. "I am really getting sick of people beating around the bush . Snake, why don't we just kill Vamp and stop running away?"

Snake's eyes grew wide and his mouth went slack jawed. What Mantis Cat had called flowers were actually giant C-4 bombs painted with sparkly colors. Their timers were set to blow in ten minutes.

"Snake, why are you so quiet-" Jack's eyes had finally landed upon the flowerbeds.

His eyes were round with disbelief and his knees were shaking.

"Oh what the hell! This is more like my stupid missions than Wonderland!" shouted Snake. He stomped up to the first bomb and was about to bring his foot down in a righteous fashion, when Jack shoved him aside.

"You damn fool! You're just gonna throw away all the freakin' progress we've made because you're angry? Who's the pansy now, bitch!" Jack's face was purple with rage. Snake was completely caught off guard. He couldn't believe it, he'd just been owned by a gay boy in a dress.

"You-you wouldn't know what it feels like! How many times have you had to save the world from a goddamn Metal Gear, huh!" sputtered Snake. "I just don't feel like going through this save-the-world-unsung-hero shit again. If we get out and somehow prevent a nuclear strike aimed at the United States that we will discover later on, I'll just end it all here and now."

"Oh stop moaning, goodness! What the hell is your problem? Now _you_ feel like giving up? You know what you are-"

Mantis Cat appeared looking very amused. While Jack ranted his " buck up cowboy" speech, Mantis Cat danced around behind, pantomiming and generally making fun of him. Snake couldn't help but smile.

"You see! Look at you now, you look much better." Jack's satisfied face suddenly contorted into surprise. "We have five minutes! Run!" Snake knocked Jack over and sprinted down the overgrown path.

"Wait! Help me up!" Jack rolled around the ground trying to push down his petticoat. "That bastard! He's going to let me die here…" Jack suddenly decided to stop fighting and gave in. He lay there contemplating whether he had picked up the dry cleaning or not, and whether his toaster could blow up his apartment like in the Bourne Supremacy.

"Jason Bourne…yummy. What I wouldn't give for him to blow _my_ cover-"

Jack's dirty daydream was broken by the explosion of the C4. Jack instinctively curled in on himself. Little Hershey's kisses and glittered rained down on him. Jack waited a couple of seconds before he opened his eyes.

"Hahahaha! I can't believe it! Kisses and glitter. This place is really messed up…" He began to take the wrapping off the nearest kiss. "Snake can kiss my fat ass! He'll just have to find the way out himself. I hope the Queen gets him!" Jack licked the melting chocolate off his fingers with a smile.

Snake continued to run until he bumped into something white and fuzzy. He unsheathed his CQC knife and assumed a stance. The white fuzzy thing froze.

"Turn around!" growled Snake. A very awkward and nervous Otacon turned around to face him.

"Thank God it's you! I've been trapped in here with that gay Raiden and I'm lost. Why do you keep backing away from me?" inquired the brusque man. The rabbit was terrified. His lip quivered and then he wet himself.

"Dammit Otacon! This is like the millionth time you've pissed on yourself. Dude you reek!" he exclaimed. Otacon continued to shake, but he reached into his vest and sprayed mace into Snake's face.

" Ahhhh! You furry son of a bitch!" Snake clawed at his eyes and ran into a nearby tree.

"The Queen will have your head for this!" threatened the rabbit in a timid voice. He spit in Snake's face and kicked him in the ribs before hopping along the path again.

Snake lay in an angry pile on the path. He had already used all of the water in his canteen, he didn't have any relief for his poor swollen eyes. Every little noise seemed to be amplified by the loss of his vision. Snake groped around the grass for his knife and lay perfectly still.

"If I make too much noise someone could finish me off, or worse." he thought. He shivered involuntarily at the thought of Vamp sneaking up on him, and trying to force him to sing along to Cabaret. He froze as he heard the tall grass rustle in front of him. His breathing remained under control, but small shiny beads of sweat began to appear on his forehead. The rustling continued like an oncoming thunderstorm. Snake braced himself for the worse. A tiny chestnut brown squirrel emerged. His swollen eyes could at least make that out.

"I hate this place. I'll find me own way out, Raiden or no." Snake sat up and was sacked from behind. Vamp had his arms pinned and sat straddling Snake's back.

"Why look what I've found! It seems that the C4 worked beautifully. Get ready for the time of your life my little Snake…oh, and don't clench!" he whispered lasciviously.


End file.
